I wasn’t ready to say goodbye, but I’m doing my best to accept you were

Let me just state this now,  I know this post will resonate with some, and register as silly to others; I don’t care. Monday through Friday I spend my days writing and editing work that means nothing to me, and my blog is my place to write for me, and today it’s my place to write for him.

It’s no secret that writing is therapeutic for many, and I am no exception. I have perpetually struggled to verbalize the way I feel (in an appropriate manner) aloud. Getting what’s in my head onto paper has always made me more intentional with what I say, and grants me the opportunity to think through what I’m truly feeling. Writing has helped me understand happiness and heartbreak, it’s allowed me to laugh, and remember.

why I’m writing

It turns out today is #nationalloveyourpetday – in today’s hashtag world, it is always something, but when I settled the girls down for breakfast this morning and heard the news mention that today is, “a great day to show your love for our furry friends,” I knew it was time to deal with something I have been avoiding.

Early last Friday, I made the hardest decision of my life thus far. As a result of this decision, I said goodbye to the little guy who has stood by me for the last thirteen years, Diesel. For those of you who weren’t lucky enough to meet my little nugget, Diesel was a feisty Yorkshire Terrier (yorkie), weighing in at a whopping six and a half pounds. Diesel came into my life as a gift from my Dad at a time when I had no real direction. (And at a time during which I lived in a pet-free apartment complex.) Fortunately at this time (early 2006), I was working for my Dad and it was acceptable for Diesel to accompany me to “the office” every day – although I’m sure the health inspector would have said otherwise.

The point is Diesel came EVERYWHERE with me! He was my instant BFF, my roommate in countless apartments and condos throughout college, he moved to Florida with me when I decided to attend USF, moved back to Michigan when I decided I was over being a South Florida Bull, went along with me taking a chance on Chicago (which to both of our surprises meant having a chinchilla as a roommate), returned to Michigan yet again when I gave up on that, and then finally headed back to the Windy City with me, where he and I decided we’d let additional humans into our fold.

I guess now is the time to admit that from 2006, to when I returned to Chicago in 2015, I made a lot of bad decisions. I dated the wrong people, I dropped out of college for awhile, I shutout the people I loved, and worse. Yet through all of these terrible choices, D’s loyalty to me never faltered – I know this isn’t some revelation, I know dogs are a “(wo)man’s best friend,” but I just have to say this guy never judged me. He never made me feel guilty as I disappointed myself  time and time again, never failed to snuggle up on my lap no matter how long it had been since I had given him the time and attention he deserved. Simply put, he was always there and now he’s not – and that, well that is really f*cking hard.

he was, and will continue to be, a connector

Throughout the years my Dad and I have had a challenging relationship, and there were periods of time when we didn’t speak; It may seem strange, but through Diesel I felt as though I remained connected to him. Diesel was a constant reminder of good times with my Dad, and ultimately helped us repair our relationship.

Diesel not only helped me stay connected, he helped me to establish connections. One of the the most notable connections Diesel helped me make was with my now Father-in-Law. For the last decade plus he and I have had countless chats in which my “little pup” served as the icebreaker – who knew a six pound fluff ball was the best way to initiate communication with a grown man! In fact, I don’t think I would be off base in stating that Diesel helped me win over the entire Gall family.

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he taught us what (we didn’t even know) we needed

I would like to say that I have always been a responsible person, but it was through becoming a dog mom that I first learned how to put another’s needs before my own wants, (i.e., skipping happy hour because my dog has been home alone since 9:00 a.m.). Diesel taught me to love even when I wanted to scream – hello puppy years! and let’s not forget, he was my introduction to “cry it out” after all. Because of Diesel, I am:

• Fiercely loyal – don’t believe me, mess with my tribe.
• Silly – I agree baby talk is ridiculous, but voices to perk up my pup – now I can get behind those.
• Forgiving – diarrhea all over the dry clean only West Elm blanket, no big deal.
• A fantastic swaddler of infants – if your dog is patient, practicing on him or her is much better preparation for a live baby than a doll.
• Always down for a group halloween costume.
• Working really hard to live in the moment.

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The most wonderful gift Diesel ever gave to me was instilling the love of pets in my daughters. He immediately welcomed Palmer home from the hospital, and was a complete pro with babies when Kedzie joined us seventeen months later. The bond he established with them is unmistakable, and it breaks my heart these girls weren’t afforded more time with him.

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the guilt of goodbye

Since last week, I have struggled with the possibility that I could have done more. I’ve struggled with the idea that introducing a puppy just one month ago had the opposite effect on his life than what we hoped for. We thought bringing Tula into our lives would pep him up, but now we were left wondering if it made him feel replaced. When I shared this with my mom yesterday, she gave me the hope that perhaps Diesel was holding on until we got Tula, in a selfless act to help us transition to life without him. Knowing Diesel, this was the case.

While it has always seemed he knew me better than I knew him, when I woke up Thursday morning I was certain something was wrong; I knew he was telling me it was his time, but I couldn’t accept it. I told Shawn to call the vet as I sat on the bathroom floor holding him like a baby. We postponed work and took him to the animal hospital hoping for a clear diagnosis. We were told they could do x-rays and ultrasounds, but that still wouldn’t guarantee us any answers. When presented with the facts, we made the decision to bring him home and administer antibiotics as a “band-aid” we hoped would provide him a little more time – time to make a few more memories with the girls.

Sadly, it seemed we were on borrowed time already. Diesel was sleeping on the floor of our bedroom when I woke to him seizing at one o’clock in the morning. I rushed him to the to the emergency MedVet, and I knew walking into that facility I wouldn’t be walking out with him. Admitting that right now, makes the pit in my stomach return. While it was unbearable for me at the time, I can only hope he found peace in knowing I was by his side until the very end.

attempting to adjust

The silence can be deafening. I’ve cleaned and stored his things, put away his leash, read all the pamphlets provided … and I still don’t feel any better. I still worry at night that I am going to roll over and hear him yelp when I don’t realize he has snuck his way into our bed. I dread the next time I’ll have to change the topic when Palmer asks me where he is – what is the right thing to tell an incredibly logical two-and-a-half year old anyway?

But no one I know has ever said owning a pet was easy, and now I have come to know first-hand the hardest part. For years the memories of loved ones who’ve passed have lived on through Diesel, and now Diesel will live on in the memories of all of us.